Are we obsessed with being desired?
Yearning, the chase & taking accountability. Since we're all friends here ...
The honeymoon phase, so they say, inevitably always ends. The thrill of getting to know someone you really like, meeting their friends, finding out all about their flaws and skeletons from a past life is all part of the intricate dance of those initial months when you’re first dating each other.
Building up to becoming official, ironing out the question marks to form them into exclamation points and getting to the tantalising moment where those 3 big words get to fall out of your mouth is a high like no other. You’re in love! You have a person! Someone wants to hold your hand forever!
However, shortly after, the glittery veil drops and you come to realise that living in a romcom, though fun, is not realistic. Learning to enjoy the mundane together, like doing the weekly food shop or walking hand in hand on the commute to work, is where you find the small joys in being part of a couple.
The wooing and work we all put into attracting our mate is no longer needed. Nights out turn into nights in and you become settled. There can still be butterflies, but they’re less erratic and more a comfort, like proof from the depths of your body that shows you the person you chose to take yourself off the market for still gets you going.
Yet, for some, this is the point in which they flee the scene and decide that commitment just isn’t for them. The thrill is gone, and so is their interest in seeing things through.
By nature, I believe, we all just want someone to fancy us. It’s why so many of us date openly, looking just for fun rather than love. And there comes a point in that phase of life where it’s going really, really well. You’re talking to, sleeping with or going out on fun dates with a couple (or more) people. The neon light above your head is flashing AVAILABLE in big, bold, pink letters, and suddenly the attention you’ve been craving is falling at your feet at a rate you struggle to keep up with.
You’re feeling desired, and it’s addictive.
That thrill of having multiple people not just interested in you, but actively chasing after and vying for your time and attention, is hard to replicate, but what we all look for. To be wanted, to be made to feel attractive, is a big old whack of dopamine that our hungry little brain wants more and more of.
But if you practice monogamy, and eventually that dating loop lands you with someone you connect with and decide to commit to, do you have to find a new way to chase that high? Or is it just done in secret now?
Granted, having one partner forever isn’t the choice everyone makes. Ethical non-monogamy is now more than ever something openly discussed and accepted. It leaves and demands more space for open communication, clear boundaries, discussion of feelings and mutual respect to be the top priority amongst everyone involved, if handled properly.
I get it, and in some ways I envy parts of it, but I know that I’ve not got the minerals for sharing the person I love in that way. I take my hat off to anyone who isn’t riddled with that jealous voice that says “why are you trying to get what’s mine?” when they watch someone flirt with their partner. In recent years, I’ve been training my brain into reframing that thought into “aren’t I lucky to have something others want”. But getting there only comes when you trust someone fully.
For me, it begs the question, to what end does chasing one’s desire to be desired go too far? One of the first questions I’ve learnt to lay out and have an awkward chat about early on in a relationship is, “What do you consider to be cheating?”. You’ll be surprised how many people have wildly different answers.
For some, anything physical that’s more intimate than a hug is not ok. This includes holding hands, with either sex, no matter their sexual orientation. Others say that a random kiss on account of a lapse of sober judgement is forgivable, but flirtatious texts or DMs are grounds for dumping. Then there’s the camp who reckon that they’d be fine if you had sex with someone else, but only if they could go tit for tat and even the score.
Knowing your and your partner’s boundaries, I think, is the only way to tackle that human hunt for affirmation and attention that comes in the form of flirting. The act itself can be harmless, yes, but if you know what you’re doing is going to upset your other half, is it worth the effort? Does your innate need for validation, to know that even though you’re not single someone else would still want you, outweigh the want for your partner to feel respected?
Outside of relationship dynamics, the thrill of the chase can also keep us from really leaning into vulnerability. The grass is greener effect that dating apps have plagued our love lives with, and the impact that limerance has had on our generation is something of a wonder. I’m not qualified to delve deeper into that, but the wonderful Rachel Thompson already has in her new book The Love Fix, so go read that.
Being open with people you date isn’t that hard. We’ve all been in a beer garden over-sharing before with someone we know we probably won’t see again. But truly giving yourself up to someone, fully, no masks, is frightening.
Creating our brand to project into the world, and using it in seeking sex and love can be thrilling. You’re seeing thousands upon thousands of faces, names, pictures, all of whom like your prompt or want to get to know you better. It’s exhilarating, exciting, delicious, absolutely wonderful at times, maybe. But it’s also for many a method of avoidance. If you never give yourself up, truly, then your walls never have to properly come down.
If desire from others is what you crave, regardless of your relationship status, perhaps the call for validation is coming from within. If you don’t spend time caring and loving yourself, you’ll not feel deserving of someone else doing so either.
Finding love is a stroke of luck. It’s timing, it’s patience, it’s chance in many different forms. So when you do find it, don’t let your ego lead you down the garden path of playing with desire. Feeling wanted for a fleeting moment isn’t worth it if it means losing what everyone else is seeking.
Relatable this one ^^ (as well as being incredibly well written & engaging as always!)
Brilliantly insightful 💕