Are you a Jumper or a Cardigan?
The new theory to determine where you're at in your love life - yes, really.
Welcome to In Order to Bloom, a space where we’re unpacking the trials, tribulations and wins of being a twenty-something trying to adult. Be sure to comment and share if you love reading, it really helps a lot.
There are three things I’ve learnt to be gospel when it comes to dating:
No matter what the first date is like, it’s the second that answers all your questions.
You won’t change the mind of someone who isn’t looking for something serious. Don’t put your energy into trying.
Men see you as one of two options; someone to have fun with or make time for.
That third one took me a while to figure out, but once I did it was liberating. Granted, some girls have the guts to know this from early on and will be reading this and go “well, duh?” at my naivety. But there is a marked difference between a guy who makes an effort to commit to a day, place and time to meet you and one who only asks what you’re up to when you post a thirst trap.
Over spicy margs one evening, we (the collective coven that is my best friends) discussed this phenomenon. We picked apart the many ways in which men we date make us think they want to commit when really they just want to have sex. Blunt, but accurate.
The deciding differentiating factor was concluded to be that you know when they want something more if they’re making a point of putting plans in place to see you and or introduce you to their circle. If they’re not doing that, then you know that they’re just looking for a companion rather than a partner.
As we came to the realisation we had all fallen victim to this trap at one point or another, a moment of complete clarity came over us as my dear friend Liam exclaimed “And that’s how you know if you’re a jumper or a cardigan”.
Now, he doesn’t remember saying this, but I’m crediting him anyway. At that moment, we all dropped our jaws to the floor in astonishment that he had summed up the feeling of being a twenty-something hetero woman dating.
Let’s unpack this.
Think of your favourite cardi. The trusty one you keep on the back of your office chair or in your wardrobe for those odd times when you’re a little chilly or need some comfort. It’s reliable, you always know where it is, but you don’t keep it on for long. It’s a temporary fix to a temporary problem.
Now, think of your most loved jumper. The one you wear all winter long that goes with every outfit and you keep on all day until you crawl into bed. It’s what you want to have on all the time, it feels secure and you’ll never throw it out because it’s become a staple part of your wardrobe.
In dating, you are either someone’s cardigan or someone’s jumper. There is no in-between.
This dance of knitwear analogies can go on for some time, too. You could be a cardigan whilst thinking you're a jumper. Hanging around on Sundays and watching bake-off re-runs together makes you feel like you’re the jumper. It’s intimate and feels like you’re on the road to commitment town. When in reality, you are a cardigan; good for now, but not forever.
I imagine I may have lost some of you, but just hear me out. There’s something in this that truly identifies with us all. I’ve written about the foster girlfriend phenomenon, the right place right time theory, and unpacked many an experience when it comes to navigating the streets. But this? This is the simplest way to identify what you are to someone you’re seeing. You are either temporary or optimistically permanent.
Here are some questions that I pose to myself when I feel uncertain about where I stand with someone I’m dating. Granted, I didn’t pay attention to the answers and ended up with my heart broken, but nonetheless, the lesson stands.
So ask yourself this next time you’re feeling unsure:
Do they make time to see you or do they fit you into their schedule for when it suits them?
Do they book and plan dates, experiences and things to do together or are they just inviting you over to their place last minute?
Have they mentioned future events or times where you could meet their friends/they could meet yours, or are they keeping your situation behind closed doors?
Is their communication at its peak from Thursday to Sunday or is it consistent throughout the week?
Are you anxiously waiting to see if they contact you or do you sit pretty knowing they’ll be in touch?
The running theme with all of this is that consistency is key. If the momentum is there and the effort is being put in, you’ll know it and feel it. You won’t second guess it and you’ll feel like you’re on safe ground for getting excited about the next steps. You’re into jumper territory.
But if you’re the one waiting to hear back on when they’re free, waiting for a text or feeling anxious about whether or not they’re even interested? You’re in cardigan land.
In the words of our lord and saviour Taylor Swift; “And when I felt like I was an old cardigan, under someone's bed, you put me on and said I was your favourite.”
It’s hard to come up with a wise, thought-provoking conclusion to this topic to be honest. The realisation you’ve been someone’s cardigan all this time is a punch in the gut, but it’s also a really important next step to your next stage of dating. The one where you know what signs to look out for, where you don’t put up with behaviour that makes you feel uncertain and can sit safely in the knowledge that you’re not being left in the dark anymore; or, under the bed as T-Swift would say.
Now, I’m off to pause my Hinge profile and keep my peace/sanity intact. See you next week.
Thank you for reading In Order to Bloom this week. I hope it offers you some escape and peace of mind today.
I’d love to know what else you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or any topics you’d like me to unpack - be it dating, friendships or something in the news - so please get in touch with any suggestions by leaving a comment for me!
Brilliantly put as ever…and you are no cardi my love 💕