Can we go back to MSN?
On logging off, aloof vs avoidant & texting etiquette. Since we're all friends here ...
In 2025, I’d like to revive using ‘BRB’ or ‘TTYL’ when texting. I want to take it back to MSN days and instil some boundaries in how much we allow ourselves to be contactable. If you were born in the 2000s, you probably won’t know what I’m talking about - and that makes me sad - but MSN used to be our equivalent of the many ways you can now slide into someone’s DMs.
Firing up an ancient PC, hearing that jarring noise and physically clicking a button to dial up to the internet was the highlight of my after-school hours. You’d chat absolute drivel with your friends you just spent the whole day with, about all the things you’d done together, and when you were bored of it or needed a break you’d tell them you were going, send a wink (hope I just unlocked some nostalgia for you then) and, shock horror, walk away from the keyboard and go about your business. No notifications, no pings to draw you back in; you’d be unreachable unless they were calling you on the house phone. What a time it was.
The desire to be unreachable is not the same as being unattainable, let's get that clear. Some people thrive on being the one who takes 3-5 business days to reply to a text as if it’s a part of their aloof persona because they enjoy being unattainable to those who want them. But being unreachable and controlling how people access you is what, I think, we all need to be to get back to basics when it comes to forming connections and experiencing real intimacy.
I have had all my read reciepts turned off for over two years now. Nobody on any form of messaging platform can see when I’m available online, when I’ve read their message, or the time I was last active, and vice versa. They go about with their lives, I go about with mine and neither of us feels pressured or under scrutiny to take time to reply. It’ll happen when it happens. I may journal about and obsess over why they’re ignoring me, but I’ll still let it flow as it’s meant to. Growth comes in baby steps.
It was a conscious decision of mine to do this. In the throws of my early dating days, I would be obsessively checking when the person I was waiting for a text from was last online, what time they’d read my message and become incensed with a host of theories as to why I was being ignored. It became a sick game of cat and mouse that nobody but me was going to lose.
I once convinced myself I was dating someone who took 8+ hours to reply to a ‘how’s your day going?' text. I say convinced myself because it is clear to me now that this man did not like me. Obviously. In that window of time waiting for him to respond, I’d spiral into a mind-numbing cycle of analysing every text, every interaction, thinking back to previous dates, wondering if it was what I wore or something I said that had made him see my name flash up on his screen and roll his eyes, thinking “I’ll reply to her later.”
We’ve all been there. Someone who you’re not that interested in pops up and there are no butterflies, no heart skipping a beat and no excitement in seeing their name. They become another person on your phone to give your time to. So why make yourself so available to people who you don’t want to share your energy with let alone text?
For me, taking that access away from both myself and others made my relationship with everyone turn on its head. I didn’t feel obliged to be available to everyone at all times anymore, I didn’t need to be switched on and I stopped expecting the same of others. Realising how relieving it was to no longer have that subconscious pressure released from me also made me see why other people had left me on read, taken longer than normal to reply or simply wanted to pick up the phone and talk instead.
I’ve realised that gaining access to someone’s time is earned. People don’t owe you anything if you don’t even know their surname or what primary school they went to. You may have their height, political leaning and Instagram handle, but you don’t really know them. This false sense of intimacy we gain through chatting and texting online makes us feel entitled to someone’s undivided attention far too soon, forming attachments to the idea of a person we’ve never even met.
I get it, though, because that’s what we all want, isn’t it? Connection and intimacy in a world where there’s a digital obstacle course of tests one must pass before getting to spend time with someone in real life. In the early days of dating, the way we communicate digitally is a test none of us know we’re taking until we realise we’re at the penultimate hurdle. Too much texting is too keen, not enough means we start thinking they hate us or are losing interest, and everything else feels like filler or small talk.
There’s also the issue of dating apps in particular giving us a ‘the grass is always greener’ outlook to finding someone new to add to the roster. If one person starts to feel a bit dead in their replies, there are always plenty more matches waiting to be lined up to start a fresh back and forth with. It’s like playing tennis and swapping out your opponent every week or so when they get too tired to keep up.
The outcome of this is that you become overwhelmed with having to sift through those 10+ conversations, construct a robust enough but not too keen reply and engage with them authentically if at all. You get flustered, and overstimulated and think ‘why am I even bothering?’ before deleting your app and going off the radar for a week or two. Then, you’ll do it all over again a month later, when you crave some validation and feel ready to give it another go.
It’s a cycle, we’ve all done it, I’ve done it, and if you’re doing it now then I have some unsolicited advice for you - since we’re all friends here;
Don’t entertain conversations for the sake of feeling less lonely.
Do pick up the phone with your IRL friends and actually catch up.
Don’t take for granted how easy it is to stay in touch with the people you love.
Do consider turning off your read receipts if you want to know what true peace feels like.
100% agree!
Everything you're saying is exactly what I am thinking. Man, those were the days! When we lived offline and went online for a bit (now it is the other way around)