Cuffing Season: Myth or Sad Fact?
How and why we all fall into the honey trap when winter rolls around
Welcome to In Order to Bloom, a space where we’re unpacking the trials, tribulations and wins of being a twenty-something trying to adult. Be sure to comment and share if you love reading, it really helps a lot.
‘Tis the season, girls and boys, to long for a hand to hold. Firework displays, Christmas markets, dinner parties with friends and cosy nights watching serial killer documentaries just aren’t the same when you’re riding solo. But is cuffing season a self-inflicted societal expectation we put upon ourselves, or a real, science-backed theory that we’re not meant to exist alone?
The end of summer often brings many things - and people - out of the woodwork. The opportunities to sit in beer gardens and undress someone with some intense eye contact over a pint of Camden Hells deplete, and the sun tucks itself away for another year. In it’s absence, we all retreat back inside. And for some, back to old habits.
It’s no secret that dating has become a matter of games for those of us still on the streets. You have to be available, but not appear so available that you look desperate. You need to text back and keep the conversation flowing, but not too quickly and not too slow. And let’s not get started with the “so where do you see this going?” conversation we’re all too scared to ask now. We’ve all fallen into an eternal state of situationships and half-baked connections that look, feel and sound like relationships, but lack the fundamental ingredient of commitment.
So when Cuffing Season comes along when October rolls around, there are three options:
Get in that little black book that is your WhatsApp archive (*graveyard) and see who you want to bring back from the dead for some fun
Redownload the apps and get swiping to find someone you can stand to sit at a bar with and see where it leads to
Stay in your solo, single-life-loving lane and learn to embrace the season of solitude
Bit long, huh?
Now, for those not in the know, the term ‘cuffing season’ was coined in the early 2000’s. In 2017 it was shortlisted for word of the year, where it was described as follows:
“The time where if you’re single you might be looking to couple up with someone new at the start of the winter and stay in that relationship until spring”
I wanted to know how widely known this term was, so I asked you, dear readers, if you thought Cuffing Season was a myth, a fact or something you had witnessed but not experienced. Here’s what the polls showed:
35% said yes it’s a legit thing
27% said nah it’s total bullshit
19% said they’ve witnessed it but not experienced it personally
19% asked wtf is Cuffing Season Ria
So seemingly, this phenomenon is not as widely known and or accepted as legitimate as I imagined. Which, I guess if you’ve been in long-term relationships consistently and or dated IRL and not through the internet, would make sense.
It opened up a conversation in my DMs - which I love by the way, please always feel free to weigh on and start some discourse with me - and here’s what you thought about why we get into this cycle:
“It’s a fine line - get too deep into winter and we’re all too depressed to date, but get into the right window during autumn and it can work before we’re all in the trenches.”
“I think people have more time on their hands because it’s cold, there’s less fun sexy plans on the cards, so the alternative is finding someone to hibernate with.”
This time of year for me always feels romantic, too. We’re not cutting about frolicking until the sun comes up anymore, we’re looking for a quiet cosy corner of a pub to have a bottle of red in and get intimate. The colder nights and shorter days all gear us up to lean into that human need for comfort and affection from one another.
Back in 2021, I explored the science behind this season as we were all creeping out from under the rocks of another lockdown and dating was going back to normal. I wrote this piece on why winter seems to bring romance back into our lives and explored the science behind Cuffing Season.
In it, I discovered that coldness has a unique effect on our attraction to one another. Some research has found that heterosexual men, for example, find women’s bodies more attractive in winter than in summer.
The research in question proposed that this was due to something called the contrast effect, where something unique or unexpected can be more appealing. Basically, seeing women half-naked during the summer is commonplace; seeing them half-naked during the winter, not so much. Simple creatures aren’t you?
So perhaps this is why when the dancing at day events are done and the countdown to Halloween begins, men you may not have heard from in months begin to pop up. Or suddenly those long-standing matches on dating apps come to fruition, and people who were once a ‘you up?’ text become a ‘we should grab a drink sometime’ instead.
My advice? Unless they’re adding something to your life, leave them in the archive.
The danger here, however, is that in an attempt to start something, we fall into the trap of putting aside the attributes we’re looking for in someone. If you’re not putting in the time to really consider what it is you’re looking for in a partner, you run the risk of falling into a situation your heart isn’t fully invested in.
As a woman who’s turning 27 in two weeks, I’ve been asked more than ever in the last year if I’m ‘seeing anyone special’ or if I’m looking to settle down soon. It’s jarring and quite confronting a lot of the time, as the minute you let them know you’ve no plans to become a wife or someone’s significant other, they visibly pity you.
This is the issue we’re faced with. We’ve been somewhat conditioned to work toward meeting the expectations and fictional deadlines that others set for us. We’re told that time’s running out, we’re told that love comes when you least expect it but at the same time to put ourselves out on a ledge to make it happen and enjoy playing the field.
There is also the danger of the seasonal crush, of course. The one person you’ve got on the bench that you’re not quite getting what you need from, but it’s just about enough to make them a prospective front-runner in the roster.
As the nights draw in, the idea of them being on your arm becomes more tantalising. The prospect of spending weekends wrapped up together on ice rinks, sinking pints as your teeth chatter on Southbank or being disgustingly cliche and holding hands around a vintage market with a flat white on a Sunday start to swirl around your daydreams. This, my friends, is known as the danger zone.
Because even if you get to this stage, this wonderfully cliche point in the dating timeline when you are doing all the fun things together, that little voice in your head from the modern dating gods will say; “Thou shalt not be direct or forward in expressing their feelings”.
Granted I know that people date for different reasons. Some date to figure out what they want, for some company or just for some no-strings healthy fun. But beneath it all, I believe what we all really want and crave from these connections is to feel loved and cared for. That little spark of hope that this might be the time you get to find your best friend and lover rolled into one attractive, funny, intelligent human, who your mates also like spending time with, is all we really want. It’s the bullshit of rules and the things we’re told not to do in between it all that stops a lot of us from experiencing that.
I’ll leave you with some sage advice that my wonderful friends and family often relay to me when I’m reeling in the over-analysis of a situation.
“You’ll know when it’s working when you don’t have to ask us if it is”
Don’t let this time of year make you snowball into a relationship that isn’t really serving you. Don’t forego your dealbreakers for the sake of having a date at your mate’s Christmas party. And don’t fill your precious time of solitude with someone new for the sake of avoiding being alone.
But also, don’t disregard a real connection because you’re wondering if it may come to an end come springtime. If something is meant to be, it won’t slip through your hands so easily.
Thank you for reading In Order to Bloom this week. I hope it offers you some escape and peace of mind today.
I’d love to know what else you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or any topics you’d like me to unpack - be it dating, friendships or something in the news - so please get in touch with any suggestions by leaving a comment for me!
