How to escape the 20-something pressure cooker
Letting go of comparison and enjoying the now
Welcome to In Order to Bloom, a space where we’re unpacking the trials, tribulations and wins of being a twenty-something trying to adult. Be sure to comment and share if you love reading, it really helps a lot.
Hello, you. It’s been a while hasn’t it? Well, dear reader, I’m back and trying to peel myself out of a writing slump, to bring some unsolicited advice and words of wisdom that nobody asked for. And, shockingly, it’s not about dating.
Are we running out of time?
Carrie Bradshaw was 32 in the pilot for Sex and the City. In the episode, she sleeps with an old boyfriend, goes out partying, and bumps into her crush on the street whilst condoms fall out of her handbag onto the pavement. She is, some would say, the image of youth and carelessness.
So why is it that at 27, soon to be 28, I’m surrounded by women of a similar age who worry that their time is running out to live life and do fun things before they settle down and meet ‘the one’?
For many moons, I have waxed lyrical here about how downtrodden dating is making modern women feel. I specify women because every man I speak to or share my dating stories with looks at me wide-eyed and says “shit, you’ve had a bad time with it haven’t you”.
This always makes me laugh because I realise that all the lovely dates they’ve been on are a product of gorgeous women putting their best foot forward, asking them questions, and taking an interest in their lives, which gives all the right signs of wanting to get to know them and look amazing doing it. Yet, they still ended up sitting across the table from me, asking me how it is I’m still single and that anyone would be lucky to snap me up.
I digress. This post isn’t about the state of modern love. I don’t want to give any more air time (for now) to my personal dating life as I imagine everyone’s as bored of hearing about it as I am of divulging it. Also, I’m a big believer in karma, so all the negativity I put out, I believe I’ll get back.
Today instead, I want to talk about all the lessons and positive affirmations that life has brought my way in the past year. As I seemingly bulldoze my way to turning 28, an age that once held a myriad of milestones I thought I’d hit, I’ve come to realise just how little of a fuck I should give about what’s to come next.
Here’s what 18-year-old me thought she’d have achieved by the age of 28 - I know this because I wrote it down in my 10-year plan in my journal *cries*.
Bought a house, became engaged, became an editor for a magazine, published a book, planning for a baby.
A moment of silence for the naive and ignorant baby I was. We love and cherish her, we’d be nothing without her, but by god, she was the OG delulu queen.
Though my delusion has taken on new roles later in life, in the form of girl math and blind optimism that everything will simply work itself out, I feel there’s a shift in my immediate echo chamber as of late. The people I once admired from afar when I was a teenager are settling down and building homes and families. The people I thought would be doing the same by now are instead travelling the world or taking themselves offline to be more present. And the people who I thought were bossing their way through and having the time of their lives, are openly struggling with the idea that we’ve only got two years of our twenties left.
When did 30 become the age at which we have to make these big decisions, or know which path it is we want to take to reach the next goal? It feels like we’re all piled into a pressure cooker, grappling through our twenties with such force and ferocity to be the best, the fittest, the hottest, the richest, the most successful and the most fun, so we can reach our 30th birthday breathing a sigh of relief knowing we ‘did it all’.
Someone asked me the other month if I’m worried I won’t get married before I turn 35. I get asked often if I’m worried I’ve missed the boat to travel the world before I turn 30. I have now started asking myself, because of this, if I’m worried I wasted my early twenties working and trying to carve out a career instead of being more reckless and wild the way they say you should be. The questions never seem to stop, yet the advice is ever-changing depending on who it is you’re speaking to.
How to let go of the fictional timeline
If every decision or choice we make is based around a fictional calendar, where certain ages and dates are earmarked for reaching a milestone, we’ll never be enjoying the present. Working towards goals and aspirations is a positive thing to a degree, but if you’re making every decision based on them and calculating in fine detail the outcome, that’s a waste of potential for something wonderful to happen because you took a chance and veered off your set path.
Whilst I’m in no way qualified to be giving sage advice at the young age of 27, this past year of my life has without a doubt been the biggest wildcard yet. Nothing went according to plan, nothing turned out as I thought it would, and yet I’ve achieved more personally and professionally than I ever thought possible. I went against my cautious judgement and took a leap of blind faith with the optimistic mindset that if it was meant to work out, it would.
My mum often tells me that even when life is throwing curveballs my way, she never worries about how I’ll handle it. I could be down to my last £50 in the bank with no work coming in, and she keeps the faith that it’ll work out in my favour because it historically always does. I always get back on my feet and try again.
Perhaps this inane positive affirmation that now circles in my head is why I have gone from someone with a high-functioning anxious demeanour, scared to take risks and crippled with imposter syndrome, to someone with a thirst for taking on a challenge to see where it ends up taking me.
I’ve been self-employed for over a year now, which is exactly what I set out to achieve when I moved to London. In the 4 years it’s taken to get here, I’ve had 5 different jobs, 2 big mental health wobbles, 3 flat moves and 1 big break-up. I’ve been broke, and then I’ve been swimming in money. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends every weekend, and then I’ve been a zen sober yoga girl. The balance took time, and in finding it I’ve had to let go of connections, things and people that didn’t serve their purpose anymore. But it’s all a part of growing, and if I hadn’t done it I’d have stayed stuck in a very sad, hopeless place.
My advice to anyone who is feeling like they’re trailing behind the bandwagon of successful twenty-somethings - the ones who have achieved things such as buying a house, having a baby, getting married, making a career on TikTok, starting their own business or travelling to all corners of the world - is to stop comparing your journey to the small snippet you’re seeing of theirs.
Comparison truly is the thief of joy. Don’t waste your time chasing after someone else’s formula thinking it’ll get you where you think you ‘should’ be any quicker. The fun of it all is saying yes when you thought you’d say no, taking risks when you wanted to play it safe, and realising that if you did it all in your twenties, the rest of your life will be pretty fucking dull. Imagine getting to 40 and having nothing left to experience - where’s the fun in that?
I’ll leave you with a quote I found that has been on every vision board I’ve ever made. Yes, I am that girl, are we shocked? I come back to it year after year as a reminder for those days when I question if what I’m doing is right. Hope it helps you today, too.
Thank you for reading In Order to Bloom this week. I hope it offers you some escape and peace of mind today.
I’d love to know what else you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or any topics you’d like me to unpack - be it dating, friendships or something in the news - so please get in touch with any suggestions by leaving a comment for me!
This is exactly what I needed to read today, thank you Ria for making me feel a little less alone as I hurtle towards my 30s 💨
Really needed this today ☺️ thank you!