"Let Me Know You're Home Safe"
Not all men, but all women.
Last week a woman was murdered whilst trying to walk home.
Like so many of us do, she called someone to have some company as she was alone.
She wore bright clothing, checked in, took a well lit path.
But she still did not make it to her destination.
Sarah Everard’s death was a tragic reminder that the majority of women don’t go a day without concern of being harmed in some way.
Many of us, myself included, have come face to face with the fact that we’re not the only ones who choose to walk home with our keys between our fingers, or fear leaving the house alone after dark, because it’s something we all do without thinking about.
It felt cruelly ironic that in the week we celebrated International Women's Day and Mother’s Day, women have collectively experienced a great amount of pain and suffering on behalf of the women who have lost their lives at the hands of men.
It opened wider conversations about why, we as women, have been brought into the world with the expectation that we are constantly at risk of being harmed - or worse killed.
I know that I spent last week scared to leave the house alone, more so than usual. I felt on edge, as if I needed to take extra precaution just in case.
I spoke with my dad on the phone, telling him how exhausting it is to exist as a woman. And he didn’t need me to give examples as to why, he simply said';
“You’ve been failed by society, but you mustn't let it make you lose your confidence and freedom in being a woman.”
Hopeless or Hopeful?
All week, there’s been nothing but discourse between myself and friends, strangers, women from all walks of life, about how fucked up it is that we’ve been taught to live in fear of our safety because “that’s just how society is”.
It’s beyond disappointing to see the men I value the opinion fail to discuss or even show support for what’s happened, and the conversation it’s led to.
This tragic event, and the stories of others who escaped similar situations, has brought so much to the surface.
The past 7 days have been so full of heartache and grief, forcing many of us to relive shared trauma we had repressed. To remember the nights we’ve felt afraid or vulnerable simply because we’re taught from a young age to feel so as a woman on her own.
It is not normal to live every day in subconscious fear and anxiety of being harmed. Women should be able to do what they want, when they want. It’s quite simple.
The Role Men Have to Play
Firstly, if you are of the “yeah, but, not ALL men are rapists/murderers/dangerous” - this might not be the space for you, but please do stay to learn something.
Because, yes, we know it’s not ALL MEN. We understand that. But we can’t tell the difference when we’re walking down a street. We can’t tell the difference when we get in the back of an uber alone.
97% of young women in the UK have been sexually assaulted in some way. I don’t know any woman in my life who hasn’t been groped, grabbed, verbally abused or assaulted by a man.
When that is your reality, giving the benefit of the doubt goes out the window. If a man is approaching me, my fight or flight tells me to be cautious.
Women are constantly given guidelines on how to not be harassed. We’re told not to walk alone or exercise outside alone late at night, not to take public transport alone, to text someone close to us so someone knows where we’re travelling to, to not wear certain things incase it draws unwanted attention, to not shout back if we get harassed incase it gets violent.
But what about men? It seems no matter how well brought up a boy is, even if it’s not him carrying out abhorrent behaviour, it’s sometimes still him watching his friend do it at the bar and not saying anything because ‘boys will be boys’.
So men, do not victimize yourself in this conversation. If you are offended by what’s being said, that is a YOU problem. It is not down to women to correct your behaviour, it is down to you to hold yourself and your peers accountable for your actions and attitudes towards women.
Moving forward, I know that I, and everyone else who identifies as a white feminist, must do better to not only care about a situation as tragic as this when it happens to a woman that looks like us.
Every case, every woman, every tragedy deserves the same amount of attention, respect and outrage.
If we are to make any change, it must be inclusive. Remember that.
If you’re still feeling shaken, angry and upset by this, please don’t feel you are overreacting. Don’t belittle your own feelings, and know that this is not a women’s issue, but a call for men to come to terms with the fact that their behavior is the problem.
Continue to demand change, justice and equality in the fight for what is right - for us to be able to live our lives in peace without fear.