Modern Romance: Do you ever get over it?

Falling in love, losing the spark and learning to move on

Welcome to In Order to Bloom, a space where we’re unpacking the trials, tribulations and wins of being a twenty-something trying to adult. Be sure to comment and share if you love reading, it really helps a lot.

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For some, falling in love is easy; but falling out of it is treacherous. This week I’m asking, do we ever truly get over exposing ourselves emotionally to someone we thought was our forever?

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My WhatsApp archive is a digital dating graveyard. Filled with failed first dates, fizzled talking stages and in some cases, downright hilarious interactions with men that I hope never to see again.

It is in all honesty sometimes depressing to reflect on the number of dates I’ve been on, where I went into it so full of hope and positivity that this might be it, only to be met with another disappointment. But you’ve got to laugh, right?

Whilst I’m hopeful that one day I may turn to my children, and tell them mummy and daddy met in a quiet, low-lit bar as they locked eyes over a glass of red and instantly knew they were each other’s person, rather than on Hinge, the chances are slim to none. So I must continue to persevere.

Dating apps are still the most common place people meet. Long gone are the days of office romance and locking eyes across the room; it’s a swipe and a match that often leads to your happy ever after now.

But apps also offer a space where fleeting connections can be nurtured. You can fall for someone pretty quickly if you’re not careful because the crush you’ve formed is 80% based on an idea of them you’ve made up in your head. Until you spend a substantial amount of time with this person, you don’t know what their flaws or downfalls are.

However, that’s not to say that you can’t form real, genuinely intimate relationships with someone you met online. You could meet someone who is a short-lived but intense flame, or someone who ends up spending five years coming to your family’s house for Christmas. The joy in it all is that you never know what the end result will be.

But the real challenge to face is when it all ends. Regardless of how long you’re with someone, how much you adore them and see them being in your life forever, things aren’t always meant to work out. And it fucking hurts when it doesn’t.

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Falling out of love: grieving what could be

Falling in love for the first time is an intensely vulnerable experience. Coming to the realisation that your feelings for someone run so deep that you can’t physically keep the words in anymore is overwhelming, and can be all-consuming.

In my experience, nothing hits quite as hard after that first time. Being in love again after that, if you should be so lucky to experience it, feels more manageable. And yet, you still spend weeks mulling it over in your head, analysing every detail of how you feel around them and agonising over when and how you can tell them; if you should tell them.

It’s been some time since I was truly in love. There have been some close calls, but in hindsight, it wasn’t the love I want that I felt. It was intense and caught me off guard, but it wasn’t easy or simple. It didn’t make me breathe a sigh of relief and think that this is what feeling content is.

People - namely older relatives who have lived lives that didn't involve having the world available at your fingertips - say that when you’re truly in love, you don’t feel fear or doubt. It’s not dramatic or something to question. You feel at peace.

Hollywood sells us the idea that true love is intense, passionate and full of adoration. They make it look like pure infatuation, obsession and possession of someone. ‘If I can’t have you then no one will’, that kinda thing.

Whilst I do believe that we all deserve to feel adored, to love someone is to see them as your equal. You should respect and admire them, not treat them like a prize you won. The type of love I seek is one which keeps you grounded, and safe.

“All this nonsense about love being a drug, making you feel high, that’s not real. It should hold you like the earth.” - excerpt from Cleopatra & Frankenstein by Coco Mellors

I know, I know - the ice queen is a hopeless romantic! Shock horror! But you try growing up in the early noughties when every movie was a romcom about a go-getter girl in a big city, that meets a troubled man who eventually realises he can’t live without her. It makes you believe in the impossible.

Everyone has a love - be it one that lasted years or one that was fleeting - which shaped their idea of what being in love means. Oftentimes because they never thought they’d get over it once it ended.

Reaching that point, knowing it’s the end of the road, is crushing. What started off as something that resembles an ecstatic fever dream you grab with both hands can very quickly and without warning end up crumbling up in your palms, unrecognisable and unfixable. However, this rollercoaster of loss is a deeply important and, in my opinion, character-building time in life that shapes you as an adult.

The breakdown of a relationship, though it feels incomprehensible and something you physically cannot get through, is often the making of you. You remember what it feels like to stretch out into every corner of your bed, spend Saturday nights alone with Netflix, feel complete bliss from a fresh cup of coffee on a morning walk, and realise that learning to love your own company was all you ever needed to feel at peace.

To lose a love you thought was forever is to be reminded that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay. They’re there to teach you something and show you what you really want, need and deserve.

So my message to you, dear reader, is to love wholly and fully as you would want to be loved. Do not chase after people who fail to show up for you, or the idea that if it doesn’t last forever that it was a waste of time. Form connections, explore possibilities, and know that the right person for you won’t feel like someone you have to catch, but someone who will run alongside you. For better or for worse.

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Thank you for reading In Order to Bloom this week. I hope it offers you some escape and peace of mind today.

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I’d love to know what else you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or any topics you’d like me to unpack - be it dating, friendships or something in the news - so please get in touch with any suggestions by leaving a comment for me!