Modern romance: The age of the foster boyfriend
All the gear but no idea (how to commit)
Welcome to In Order to Bloom, a space where we’re unpacking the trials, tribulations and wins of being a twenty-something trying to adult. Be sure to comment and share if you love reading, it really helps a lot.
There’s something in the water right now. I don’t know if it’s the sun, the boozing or the age bracket I’m now in (*cries at having to tick the 26-30 box*) but something has shifted. A new plague is upon us in the dating world.
It’s called the foster boyfriend. Coined by my dear friend Hannah, this new strain of man goes beyond the friend-with-benefits or sneaky link we’ve come to know. This is unchartered territory. And I’m pissed about it.
I want to preface this by saying that anyone finding themselves with a foster boyfriend isn’t to feel bad about it. It happens to the best of us (side eye to myself) and often sneaks up without you realising it.
It all starts - like any modern love story - with a like. A little match to light the spark, some flirty texts, and then before you know it you’re on the third date. You start spending your weekends together, they’ve met your friends, left spare pants in your drawer and send you cute restaurants for you to go to together on Instagram.
The scene is set. Daydreams of holidays together and maybe even introducing them to your parents start to creep in. You think “Wow, this could really be going somewhere!”
Then BAM.
“I’m just not looking for something serious right now”
We’ve all encountered them, they just never had a label before. They’re the men that act like they want something serious and committed, but what they really want is all the perks without being tied down. Then, when you set them free, the next girl they meet will become their girlfriend. I can’t explain why, but this is a scientific fact.
This has played out for so many of my nearest and dearest. Even girls I’ve met drunkenly in the club bathroom have relayed the same series of events as they cry out to their friends “I’m fucking blocking him right now” in the stall next to me.
My theory is that in the throws of becoming wrapped up in someone new, we embrace intimacy and connection without thinking about the consequences. Taking things at a slow pace is fine, it’s smart in fact. Nothing should be rushed, but shouldn’t there be a pit stop to open up and talk about what we want from this time we’re spending together?
I often speak to my parents about my dating life. They marvel at the details as if I’m telling them about an undiscovered planet, inhabited by strange beings they can’t comprehend.
I inform them that nowadays, just because you’re not dating or sleeping with anyone else, it doesn’t mean the person you’re seeing is your boyfriend. There are many steps, in fact, before reaching that point. It goes like this:
Dating - probably lasts 1-3 months. You’re still able to pursue other people and play the field, but safe sex is paramount and if you’re sleeping with multiple people this needs to be communicated. Big red flag if it’s not.
Exclusive - you’ve agreed you’re not interested in dating or sleeping with other people. All your attention is on them and you progress possibly to meeting each other’s friends and seeing one another 3+ times a week. This can last up to 6 months (in some known cases, a YEAR).
Coupled up - as they do around the firepit on Love Island, this is the final destination. You decide that this is the person you’d like to be in a couple with. You may not agree on a label as such, depending on how forthcoming you are, but often it’ll happen when they introduce you to someone in passing; “This is my girlfriend, by the way”. Your mission is now complete. You may finally relax.
The problem my parents have with this format is that, in their words, you can only go so long without knowing where you stand with someone before things go south. Yes, people are allowed to take their time and figure out what it is they want from a situation, but if you’re acting like you’re in a relationship, why’s it so hard to just jump in and make a go of it?
“Ria, if he’s having to even consider whether or not he wants you in his life for good, then he’s not the man for you.” - the one and only Frank, my dad.
Frank is correct, of course. The partner you deserve is the one who doesn’t doubt whether or not they want you to stick around. The beautiful thing about dating is that you get to meet new people and form connections, whilst figuring out what you want. Do you want no-strings fun? A short-term relationship before you move to pastures new? Or, do you want someone who’s serious about making a life with you?
I’ve learnt from my own experience and my peers’ that if you’re looking for serious, be it for now or for forever, you shouldn’t settle for someone who’s not on the same page as you. Because life’s too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t think the room lights up when you walk into it. So don’t put up with second-best treatment for the sake of not being alone, my love. Put yourself and your needs first.
What I’m loving this week
Anyone else spent the weekend with the Glasto blues? I’ve been watching all the coverage, further cementing the notion that I do indeed need to go next year.
This past week has been an exciting one for me work-wise. I’m back in the freelance writing world and feeling like myself again, which is wonderful. More on that to come soon.
Here’s what I’ve been loving that I think you’ll love too:
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve never been so sad for a book to be finished. If you, like me, are a sucker for romance and fantasise about living in New York, please read this book. It’s exciting, dark, twisted, and so beautifully written. Five stars from me.
Late to the party here but, now iced latte season has arrived, this has changed my at-home coffee game. Yes, I’m this basic, and I don’t care. If your usual order is a vanilla latte, try this out. It’s delicious.
Hailed as the ultimate Charlotte Tilbury dupe, I have to thank Georgia for introducing this to me. In this heat, a full face just isn’t on the cards for me. But this put on top of your SPF for glow-from-within-looking skin is just *chef’s kiss*. Paired with a liquid blush, you’ve got your summer no-makeup make-up look sorted.
Thank you for reading In Order to Bloom this week. I hope it’s offering some escape and peace of mind for you today.
I’d love to know what else you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or any topics you’d like me to unpack - be it dating, friendships or something in the news - so please get in touch with any suggestions by leaving a comment for me!
Love reading your articles Ria
Well done x