Why I have no desire to be 'wifey' material
Thoughts on an outdated narrative and why it needs to stop
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In a time where we’re fighting for gender equality and championing sex positivity, is it time to put an end to being ‘wifey material’?
Recently, a certain reality TV star caused a stir by stating he wouldn’t want to do any “hardcore” or “wild” sexual acts with the girl he deemed to be ‘the one’. As expected, people flocked to the comment section to remind him how misogynistic and negative his way of thinking is.
For those of you pondering, ‘But why is that bad?’ let me explain. By saying you’d only partake in certain sexual acts with certain types of women, you’re actually stating that the level of respect you have for them is dependent on not their personality, mind or even looks, but on how sexually explorative or experimental they are. So if a woman is open about her preference for BDSM, for example, you might enjoy it at the time, but you’ll view her as someone you can’t have a long-term, serious partnership with. It’s known as the madonna-whore complex.
Sigmund Freud identified this complex in his male patients back in the 1900s, claiming that men were viewing women in two categories; saints or prostitutes. The first is the type they’d want to settle down and start a family with, and the latter is the one they secretly desire but would never see as a serious option for a partner.
Freud said, “Where such men love, they have no desire and where they desire, they cannot love.”
This categorising of women has continued through the ages and seeped into many aspects of modern culture. From song lyrics talking about women being ‘hoes’ for having sex, to TV shows depicting the innocent damsel in distress as the desirable woman, we’re shown in many different ways that in order to be ‘wifey material’, we must conform to the long-appointed stereotype of the ‘perfect’ woman.
She cooks, she cleans, she’s funny but not too funny, she’s opinionated but won’t be argumentative, she’s self-sufficient but will need you to change her tyre for her, she’s passive, she’s not demanding of your time, she’s pretty not sexy, she dresses up for you not for herself and above all else, she is submissive.
From the tiny play kitchens that we’re given as infants to the dress codes that state we are to wear outfits that are not too ‘distracting’ for our fellow male classmates and teachers, it’s been drummed into us from day dot that how we present ourselves is what deciphers whether or not we’re respectable.
The majority of hetero-cis men on dating apps further embed this way of thinking, too. I’ve seen profiles stating that their ideal woman is best described as natural-looking (aka no sign of visible filler, makeup etc), physically fit (aka slim), and the crowd favourite - ‘doesn’t take themselves too seriously’. To me, this is a red flag, and 9 times out of 10 they’re the same men that will call you a stuck-up bitch for not giving them your phone number at a bar, too.
I can already hear some of you cry “But it’s not all men! Some of them that say this are still good guys!” - and whilst you’re entitled to think that, frankly, I don’t want to listen. Girls are raised with the knowledge that the elements that make up our appearance are the puzzle pieces that men put together to create a sexual object out of us. Our body, face, skin, hair, clothes, it’s all fodder for scrutiny and judgement. We’re treated as a prize to be won, a conquest to complete. So no matter what a ‘nice guy’ they claim to be, it is safer to assume it’s all men.
I’ve had people eye roll and say '“oh here she goes” when speaking up on this in social situations, too. But I no longer care. I’m sick of the ‘boys will be boys’ narrative carrying on from my teens into my adult years, and putting up with disrespect because it’s easier than dealing with uncomfortable confrontation.
In 2022, the pace of reforms in law around the world toward equal treatment of women fell to a 20-year low. Last week, a woman was jailed in the UK for over two years for having what was deemed an illegal abortion. Every day women are killed, kidnapped, harassed and trafficked at the hands of men. There is still so much work to do in order for women to be treated as equals, and if you think otherwise then you need to educate yourself.
It’s important to realise that the things that seem harmless or small at the time - a comment made on a podcast, a conversation at the pub - are what build up to bigger, unmanageable things that cause women to be unsafe. We all owe it to the women who brought us into this world, the ones that came before them and the ones we’re yet to meet, to fight for their rights.
Speaking up when someone is being disrespectful, misogynistic or rude to you isn’t easy, I know. But it’s a good place to start.
Three Instagram accounts you should follow
I’ve been very inspired recently by a lot of the women I follow who speak out on the kind of topics we’ve covered today. I’m a proud feminist and like to surround myself online with like-minded people who can educate me on elements that I may be ignorant of.
Here are my top three recommendations of incredible women that you should follow this week:
1. Gina Martin
Gina is a gender equality activist, writer, speaker and UN ambassador who you should all follow. Known for her case to make upskirting illegal in England and Wales, Gina is a force to be reckoned with and a brilliant woman to follow if you’re looking for content that will not just educate you but make you feel seen and heard, too.
2. Chloe Grace Laws
Chloe is a powerhouse writer, journalist and poet who never misses a beat when it comes to her commentary and analysis. Her work is super inspiring to me as a writer, but more than that, I love how open and raw she is when it comes to expressing herself and her beliefs. Be it in her poetry or her articles, you’re bound to fall in love with her delivery and content.
3. Sophie Milner
Sophie’s candid and open way of opening the floor to her followers on stories to discuss important current topics is so refreshing. Aside from the fact I am obsessed with her style and her pommy, I follow Sophie because she is always beating the drum to bring attention to topics that other influencers shy away from even discussing. From sex and relationships to misogyny and catcalling, she’s absolutely someone you need on your feed.
Thank you for reading In Order to Bloom this week. I hope it’s offering some escape and peace of mind for you today.
I’d love to know what else you’d like to hear my thoughts on, or any topics you’d like me to unpack - be it dating, friendships or something in the news - so please get in touch with any suggestions by leaving a comment for me!
